I ranked the Donkey Kong Country TV songs. I went back in time and wrote a recap on Donkey Kong history. Now it’s only natural to bring these two concepts together and rank some Donkey Kong games. In fact, let’s rank all the Donkey Kong games. But because ranking them seriously is an inhumane task, I took the liberty of coming up with my own system. Instead of ranking these games against each other, I’m evaluating each one on its own merits on The Banana Scale.
You may be wondering what the heck even is The Banana Scale. It’s a great question, and frankly I don’t have an answer myself. That’s the beauty of the banana, one of god’s most majestic edible creations. Just ask Donkey Kong; he loves those things to death. Basically, The Banana Scale means whatever it needs to mean on a case by case basis. You might get an earnest evaluative statement, a joke, or a little of both. Whatever the criteria, each game is ranked on a scale of zero to four bananas. Nice and simple.
I’ve arranged these games as they’re arranged on the Wikipedia page for Donkey Kong games, because it more or less makes sense anyway. We’ve got the original arcade games, the console adventures, handheld joints, and even cancelled games. Because, why not? What could be a better use of The Banana Scale than roping in games that don’t even exist?
Arcade Games
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnu-EqVGRow
Donkey Kong – 🍌🍌🍌🍌
The OG. Gets full banana marks for putting Nintendo on the map, establishing Donkey Kong the character, and just being a legendarily good arcade game anyway.
Donkey Kong Jr. – 🍌🍌🍌
Points for making Mario the villain! Jumping between vines doesn’t feel great. DK Jr. is kind of a nerd, insofar as a gorilla can be a nerd.
Donkey Kong 3 – 🍌🍌
Still a decent arcade game, but Stanley is the most sauceless Nintendo character of all time. What in the world is this premise?
Donkey Kong: Jungle Fever and Banana Kingdom – Zero Bananas
Coin pusher games arcade games by Capcom. Perhaps the most maidenless genre of arcade game. Disgraceful.
Console Games
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdsRPs6rX4w
Donkey Kong Jr. Math – 🍌🍌
I told you this kid was a nerd!
Donkey Kong Country – 🍌🍌🍌🍌
I know there are better games, and this series is divisive among Nintendo fans. I don’t care. I control this banana hoard, and DKC 1 gets all the bananas. I’m invoking nostalgia on this one and I will not elaborate.
Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest – 🍌🍌🍌🍌
An all-timer, a banger, one of the GOATs. Epic soundtrack, immaculate vibes in every stage. Dixie Kong is an underrated queen, and Diddy Kong is a little homie.
Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong’s Double Trouble! – 🍌🍌🍌
Unfortunately for our queen Dixie Kong, Kiddy Kong has negative aura, and thus drags the experience down with his presence. The bears are weird, and there’s a bit too much bloat. Still good though.
Diddy Kong Racing – 🍌🍌🍌
Legitimately tons of fun! Probably the best Mario Kart competitor until Sonic Transformed hit many years later. Boss fights are annoying, though, and getting around the hub could get tedious.
Donkey Kong 64 – 🍌
I respect Banjo-Kazooie. I do not respect Donkey Kong 64. One banana for the DK Rap, otherwise we’d be looking at zero bananas.
Donkey Konga (series) – 🍌🍌
The bongos were fun, although clapping was a pain. Lots of bad covers made the music less hype, but the Japanese versions had some neat stuff. Still kinda Great Value Taiko at the end of the day.
Donkey Kong Jungle Beat – 🍌🍌
Cool vibes but people suggesting this was secretly good are mostly coping. I don’t blame ‘em, honestly. Wii controls arguably worse.
Donkey Kong Barrel Blast – 🍌🍌
Here’s the one I suggest is secretly… not good, but better than it will ever get credit for. Probably would’ve been worse with the bongos, an odd reversal compared to Jungle Beat.
Donkey Kong Country Returns – 🍌🍌🍌
Held back by the goofy Wii controls, but a welcome return to what made DKC awesome after years of slogging through the gimmick mines. Retro understood the assignment, despite not being as grungy as the Rare games.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze – 🍌🍌🍌🍌
Bringing back David Wise was the best move Nintendo could have made, and that man delivered. Cranky Kong with the Scrooge McDuck gimmick was an inspired choice. Funky Mode… yeah, why not?
Donkey Kong Bananza – 🍌🍌🍌
Lots of fun but something is missing. Feels like DK barged into a Mario Odyssey sequel that doesn’t quite accommodate for or justify his presence. Little nods to DKC are frustrating, because otherwise the energy is much more sterile despite all the chaos. Lots of mixed feelings as a DKC oldhead. Pauline’s whole deal is fun, though.
Handheld Games
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iYkwaVyGTY
Donkey Kong (Game & Watch) – 🍌🍌🍌
Hideous orange hunk of plastic, but still fun to play!
Donkey Kong Jr. (Game & Watch) – 🍌🍌🍌
Not nearly as ugly!
Donkey Kong 2 – 🍌🍌
Actually a sequel to Jr. – docking a banana for dishonesty.
Donkey Kong Circus – 🍌🍌
Not sure what the deal was with Game & Watch and games about juggling. Banana docked for employing the prideful Donkey Kong in a circus, but gets it back for replacing Mickey Mouse. Suck it, Mickey!
Donkey Kong 3 (Game & Watch) – 🍌🍌🍌
Perhaps a more horrid-looking piece of hardware than the first DK, but points for taking the DK 3 concept and making it a little more interesting. Also, a two-player Game & Watch device is wild.
Donkey Kong Hockey – 🍌🍌🍌
This actually looks sick and I hope I get a chance to play it sometime. The darker blue color makes it less ugly than the green they used for DK 3.
Donkey Kong 94 – 🍌🍌🍌🍌
One of the greatest. Simple as that.
Donkey Kong (Nelsonic Game Watch) – 🍌🍌🍌🍌
I dunno about y’all, but I’d wear the hell out of a watch that plays Donkey Kong.
Donkey Kong Land – 🍌🍌
Impressive conversion of DKC’s style on Game Boy, and the yellow cart is a nice touch.
Donkey Kong Land 2 – 🍌🍌
Basically the same thing I said about the first one.
Donkey Kong Land 3 – 🍌🍌🍌
I actually like this one more than the first two. I was also a child at the time, so that may be why.
DK: King of Swing – 🍌🍌
Points for trying something new, but jeez.
Donkey Kong: Jungle Climber – 🍌🍌🍌
Points for standing on business, and a much more realized experience.
Mario vs. Donkey Kong – 🍌🍌🍌
It was cool to see the DK 94 concept brought back, but the hokey vibes and weird GBA 3D held it back from reaching the same heights as the original.
Mario vs. Donkey Kong (the rest) – 🍌🍌
The prospect of going through each of these annoying things gave me a cortisol spike, so I’m lumping them together for the sake of my mental health. I respect the Lemmings-like premise but I do not like the toy Marios. I do not like them one bit.
Cancelled Games
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ThbbN3o5yw
Untitled Sega Game – 🍌
It’s no wonder this game was cancelled; they were going to make our boy a parking attendant. Can you imagine DK as a cop? Get outta here, Sega. Go make Sonic a parking attendant and tell us how that works out.
Return of Donkey Kong – 🍌🍌🍌
Barely anything about this exists, but an arcade-style sequel that made Donkey Kong the hero instead of his nerd son or whoever the heck Stanley was supposed to be would’ve been dope. RIP.
Untitled CD-i game – 🍌🍌🍌🍌
Just imagining the kind of YouTube Poop fuel a CD-i Donkey Kong adventure could have been has me giddy with toxic irony.
Donkey Kong Coconut Crackers – 🍌
When you retool a concept into a game called “It’s Mr. Pants,” you know something, somewhere went horribly wrong.
Diddy Kong Pilot – 🍌🍌
Banjo Pilot was pretty mid, no? I don’t think having Diddy on the box would’ve helped much.
Donkey Kong Racing – 🍌🍌🍌
A proper Donkey Kong racing game, instead of Barrel Blast, could’ve been great. Bringing the animal buddies front and center was the correct choice, too. Microsoft should pay for this crime. Other ones too, and probably first. But this one eventually.
Donkey Kong Freedom – 🍌🍌🍌🍌
A collaboration between Nintendo and Vicarious Visions sounds sick, and it’s a real shame we never got to see this come to any sort of fruition, thanks to Activision’s maidenless behavior in making every studio under its umbrella make Call of Duty content. Microsoft should pay for this crime too, probably.
There we have it. That’s all the Donkey Kong games evaluated on The Banana Scale. That’s Shacknews canon, now.
